Talking to your partner about fertility can feel taboo, or like a bigger deal than it needs to be. 

Most of us have hesitated on it at some point. It doesn't have to feel that way, and we're the ones who get to change how it feels, by having these conversations out loud. You can bring it up feeling secure that you're not doing anything strange, because you're not. And if it lands sideways, that's information too. It's the same as talking about your career dreams, or where you both see yourselves in five years – two people sharing what they think about the future.

Here are a few starters, plus what tends to help make it feel like a normal conversation.

Getting the conversation going…

• How they feel about kids. Open, closed, afraid of the idea, still working it out. Whether it's something they've thought about recently or hasn't come up in a while.

• Whether they feel ready for that kind of responsibility, and what would have to be true for them to know. Some people know they want kids but don't feel ready yet. Others feel ready but haven't landed on wanting them. If they're somewhere in between, what would have to shift for them?

• Whether they follow their heart on stuff like this, or think it through. Neither is wrong. But how someone makes decisions this size shapes what the rest of the conversation looks like.

• Anything on their side, health-wise, they've been sitting with. Not asking for tests. Just leaving room for them to say "I've never had that looked at" or "there's something on my mom's side I've always wondered about."

The same things, from you, back. How you feel about it. Whether you feel ready, or what would have to shift for you to know. Whether you follow your heart or think it through. 

Anything about your body or history you've been sitting with, whether that's endometriosis, an irregular cycle, a family history of early menopause, or PMOS (the condition a lot of us still know as PCOS). Not because you owe them a chart. Because you'd both rather one of you bring it up now than a doctor's office does later.

None of this needs a conclusion, the same as any conversation about where you're each headed. You walk away knowing where the other person is standing, and that they know where you are.

How to have the conversation

The setup matters more than the words. What tends to work is a casual moment where the conversation can be one thing you're touching on, not the whole point. On a drive, cooking dinner, on a walk, right after something in the world got you both thinking. Low-stakes setting, low-stakes conversation.

A few things that also help:

• Ask, then wait. Most people don't answer a question about kids the first time it's asked. They answer it the second time, after they've had a beat to figure out what they think. If their first response is short, let a small silence sit. The real answer usually shows up in it.

• If it starts feeling heavy, say so out loud. "This is weirder to say out loud than I thought" is one of the most disarming lines you can offer someone. It resets the room and gives them permission to be honest too.

• Let it end mid-thought. The first conversation doesn't need a conclusion. If it trails off before you get to everything, you now have a shared reference point and a way to bring it back up.

Some tangible ways to start begin

The hardest part is the first sentence. Here are five that you can try with your partner.

• "Can I ask you something that's going to sound like a bigger deal than I mean it to be?"

• "I've been thinking about kids lately. Not in a we-need-to-decide-now way. More in a I-want-to-know-what-you-think way."

• "I had a doctor's appointment today and she asked if I wanted kids. I gave her a really vague answer and it's been bugging me since."

• "I've had irregular cycles forever and I've never had it looked at. I think I've been avoiding it."

• "Do you feel ready for that, or is that still far off for you?"

Pick the one that sounds like you. A line you'd never actually say will feel rehearsed, and they'll hear it.

If it doesn't feel like a normal conversation the first time, that's not a sign the topic is doomed. It's a sign that neither of you has practiced this one yet. Normal takes a few reps.

Have this conversation like you'd have any other one about the future you're building. And then have it again when the topic comes back around.