Talking to your partner about parenthood and fertility should be exciting, right? In reality, it can feel intense, awkward, personal, and like a bigger deal than it needs to be. 

Most of us have hesitated talking about fertility with a partner at some point, but it doesn't have to be something to be anxious about!  It’s a plan for the future, like talking about your career goals, or where you both see yourselves in five years, what you want to do when you retire – it’s two people sharing what they think life might look like someday.

If you want to talk to your partner about your future as parents, we’ve got you covered. Here are a few starter topics to bring up, including how to make it feel more like a normal conversation.

A few starter questions to ask each other about parenthood

• Do you see yourself being a parent someday? Have you always felt that way? Whether they’re open to it, not interested at all, afraid of the idea, still working it out, or somewhere in between, it’s good to know where you match up and differ. Maybe it's something they've changed their mind about recently, or maybe they haven’t thought about it for a while because work or school has been their priority.

• Do you feel ready for the responsibility of being a parent? If the answer’s “not yet,” what would have to be true for you to know for sure? Some people know they want kids but don't feel ready yet. Others feel ready but haven't landed on wanting them. If they're somewhere in between, what would have to shift for them?

• Do you follow your head or your heart on big life decisions like these? Neither is wrong, but how someone makes decisions this significant can shape what the rest of the conversation looks like.

• Is there anything we should know about each other’s health or family history? You’re not asking each other to go out and have blood tests done. What you are doing is leaving space for each other to say something like "I've never had that looked at" or "There's something on my mom's side I've always wondered about."

Just like any conversation about where you’re headed together and as individuals, none of this needs a conclusion or a to-do list. You can walk away knowing where the other person is standing, and that they know where you are, too.

Tips: How to have a conversation about fertility and parenthood

The setup matters more than the words. What tends to work best is a casual moment where the conversation can be one thing you're touching on, not the whole point. Think low-stakes setting, low-stakes conversation - maybe on a drive, cooking dinner, on a walk, or right after something in the world got you both thinking.

A few things that also help:

• Ask, then wait. Most people don't answer a question about kids the first time it's asked. They answer it the second time, after they've taken a beat to figure out what they think. If their first response is short, let a small (often awkward) silence sit. The real answer usually shows up in it.

• If it starts feeling heavy, say so out loud. "This is weirder to say out loud than I thought" is one of the most disarming lines you can offer someone. It resets the room and gives everyone permission to be honest, too.

• Let it end mid-thought. The first conversation doesn't need a conclusion. If it trails off before you get to everything, you now have a shared reference point and a way to bring it back up.

Some tangible ways to start the conversation

The hardest part is the first sentence. Here are five that you can try with your partner.

• "Can I ask you something that's going to sound like a bigger deal than I mean it to be?"

• "I've been thinking about kids lately. Not in a we-need-to-decide-now way. More in a I-want-to-know-what-you-think way."

• "I had a doctor's appointment today and she asked if I wanted kids. I gave her a really vague answer and it's been bugging me since."

• "I've had irregular cycles forever and I've never had it looked at. I think I've been avoiding it."

• "Do you feel ready for that, or is that still far off for you?"

Pick the one that sounds like you. A line you'd never actually say will feel rehearsed, and they'll hear it (and feel it!).

If it doesn't feel like a normal conversation the first time, that's not a sign the topic is doomed. It's a sign that neither of you has practiced this one yet. Normal takes a few reps.

Have this conversation like you'd have any other one about the future you're building…and then have it again when the topic comes back around. You’ve got this.